when pain doesn't fly away
“God, You’ve got to be bringing good out of this, You’ve just got to. I can’t take it otherwise!”
I found myself whispering it aloud, craning my neck to the heavens. Thousands of stars twinkled back at me, but that didn’t comfort me. I felt so alone, so hopeless, and so riddled with pain.
He whispered back, “I am doing good. You just can’t see it yet.” That’s when peace came, His peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7).
But I can't see the good. I see pain. Like when I have an allergic reaction and go into anaphylactic shock and I almost stop breathing. Or when I end up in the emergency room with a concussion and PCS (post-concussion syndrome). Perhaps it's when I can't enter a restaurant, visit with friends, or eat what I want - because I could have an allergic reaction. Or when I can't drive, read, remember, concentrate because of the pain from PCS.
Even so, I know Romans 8:28 doesn't change, that it's still true: "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
Notice it doesn't say "And we know that God causes all things to be good", but He makes it all work together for good if we're His and following Him.
But the pain is still there. What can I do?
Trust. I must trust Him, that He is good and that He is working for my ultimate good, even when it doesn’t appear to be good in my eyes. I want the pain to leave, to fly away, but it doesn’t. So for the past five months and counting, I try to trust, to believe He is doing good in my life. I realize that I need God to be God, like Megan wrote last summer. I remember that He won't ever abandon me and that's He's always with me, even in bad times (Deut. 31:6, Joshua 1:9, Ps. 23).
And I know that despite all my times of intense pain and discouragement, He's been there. He didn't take it away, but He came alongside me and carried me. And He still is, because I'm still in the midst of it all. Then I remember Romans 8:28 and know that He's working it for good.
So I'll keep trusting, even when it's tough. I'll keep waiting, even when I don't want to. I'll keep going to Him, even when I don't feel like it, because, like George Muller, an evangelist who took care of over 10,000 orphans, I can truly say, "If the Lord fails me at this time, it will be the first time."