It’s been about two years since I wrote a “Where I’m At” post, and I know my voice has disappeared a bit from this blog with everything going on in my life. Let’s just say that it’s been a lot! But I love this community, and I’m so excited to be back.
Let’s start with the fun. Almost exactly three months ago, this happened:
The past year of long-distance engagement was both wonderful and kind of really hard, and the past three months have been some of my very happiest. And humbling.
Because frankly, it’s humbling to live together. He sees everything now, like how amazingly un-functional I am in the mornings and my sometimes irrational tears. And on top of that, I’ve had instances several instances in the past year where I’ve been super, super sick. (Including a full round of the flu and a mono-like virus just since we’ve been married.)
Last year, I went through some very scary health issues (and lots of medication) that we now attribute to unknown, severe chemical sensitivities. It’s no fun when doctors really have no idea what is going on, or when your eyes are swollen shut. And looking back, I wish I had more faith. There were times when I felt abandoned by God and betrayed by my own body. This wasn’t the life I envisioned for myself, and I felt guilty asking another person – now my sweet husband – to share that kind of a life with me.
And honestly, I still have to fight the fears of being the one that holds him back from big dreams and plans and business ventures. I’m much better at swooping in and taking care of someone else’s need than being the needy one. And I’ve felt kind of needy in these last few months, with a low level of energy and lots of doctor’s appointments to be shuttled around to. (But we have a new diagnoses: Hyperthyroidism. And a really suppressed immune system. Now to figure out treatment plans….)
But just as it’s humbling to have the person closest to you, who you love the most and most want to impress and delight, see all these challenges and the “realest” version of you – it’s also the most overwhelming grace and love and smiles I’ve ever experienced. Because he keeps choosing me, in spite of all of this mess.
It’s just a picture of Jesus. He sees the even greater, darker mess, and chooses us still and loves us even more deeply. I pray that we all continue to understand this in greater measure. And it’s utterly amazing to experience that shadow in marriage. (It’s something I totally see outside of marriage, too – just this is the most personal way I have ever felt this love.)
And one thing I have been learning from dear Joanna is the process of choosing joy in the midst of sickness, battles, hard circumstances. You have two choices: you can whine or worship. (I’m paraphrasing Nancy Leigh DeMoss here – so good.)
Worship. Or whine.
It’s a challenge, right? But so. very. true. No matter what this world looks like, no matter what happens to our bodies, our circumstances, our families – this is not the end of the story! We win. And all is well, in the end.
That alone is reason to worship, yes?